Lost Art of Question Asking

As a small child, 75% of our verbal communication was comprised of questions. “But why?” “What is that?” “Why not?” But as we have grown up, our questioning mind has been replaced by the need to be answered or be the one with the answers. We are driven by the desire to be correct, to be (inwardly) rewarded for having the answer.

Through the years, our mindset has changed from learning through question asking to affirming our own ideas through answering. Our heart of hearts now seeks to provide answers in order to receive some form of affirmation in return. Instead of gaining knowledge about other people and various subjects, we now desire affirmation on the subject of ‘me’.

The Subject of Me

What is generally our favorite topic to discuss?

Ourselves.

Our problems.

Our achievements.

Our passions.

The subject of 'me' is the easiest subject to discuss as it requires little to no effort. It is the subject that we know the best, what we are often most confident discussing, and what we hope to gain affirmation from discussing.

A self-centered conversationalist only knows how to respond with statements or by completely changing the subject. Have you ever spoken with someone like this? How did they make you feel? My guess is that you felt pressured to affirm them, and you simply felt like a pawn in the conversation – moved about to best fit the other person’s interests.

Now think back to a time when you were talking with someone, and they made you feel like the most important person in the world. What made you feel so valued? Was it their immediate, pre-formulated follow up? No, I can almost guarantee that the other person was a great listener and a good question asker. When we ask questions in conversation, we are telling the other person that we care about them and what they have to say. Having the ability to ask questions and shift the focus from self to someone else is critical to lasting influence and genuine relationships.

Absence of Questions = Abundance of Assumptions

Without asking questions in conversation, we often jump to conclusions based on our assumptions rather than spoken and learned truth. We can be so confident in our assumptions of another person while also being completely wrong in them. If a question arises in your mind, don't just fill in the holes with your assumptions; rather, ask clarifying questions to fill in the holes. Remember, questions show you care. They show that you care to know the truth.

Tips and Tricks

1. Return the Question

If asking questions is difficult for you, start out easy with this simple trick. When someone asks you a question, answer the question and then ask the same question back.

E.g. "What's a good movie you've seen lately?"

"Little Women was fantastic! Meryl Streep is just brilliant!

Definitely my favorite actress. What about you? Do you

have a favorite movie or actor?"

Just as they cared about your opinion, you show you care about their own interests by returning the question. Returning the question is a simple way to begin developing the art of question asking.

2. Ask the Why

Asking 'why' may seem like a childish question, but people love sharing the why behind their passion. A few weeks ago, someone asked me what I do with all my downtime to which I replied that I am working on a project to help raise awareness for mental illnesses. Instead of changing the subject or replying with a declarative statement, they asked me why raising awareness for mental illness is a passion of mine. I was then able to share my personal struggle with depression and anxiety. Her simple question of 'why' prompted a long discussion based on similar struggles we faced. We were both able to share hope and healing because of her willingness to ask 'why'.

3. Listen

'Did you even hear what I just said?' All of us have either been asked that question, asked it ourselves, or silently wondered it in the middle of a conversation with someone. That question is asked because someone was not listening. Being an active listener means not thinking of the next thing to say, but instead, completely immersing yourself in what the other person is saying. From active listening, questioning comes more easily and naturally.

Recently, Mark and I were at Starbucks with some friends when we were stopped by a gentleman who had a boatload of questions. We could tell he was lonely, opinionated, and extremely argumentative. This man had no idea what he was talking about. He just wanted to argue for the sake of arguing. He asked questions like, “Do you believe in good and evil?” “What is your worldview?” “Who was the 16th president?” “What is the Emancipation Proclamation?” I could go on and on with the various questions he asked, but the interesting thing about him was that he would often ask another question before we had even finished answering his first question. Or someone would ask a follow up question, and he would act as if he hadn’t heard. Yes, I know this man was just lonely and looking for someone to talk to, but he was driving people away by his absence of the ability to listen.

Just Be Present

One of my best friends, who always makes me feel valued and important, is Cara. Cara is several years younger than me, but she exudes empathy, compassion, and an enthusiasm for others' achievements. By putting away all distractions and coming alongside me to share my burdens, she uplifts my spirits by simply being present.

Cara knows when to be with someone in the present moment even if the moment is silent, but she also knows the value of timely question asking. Instead of forcing a solution on me or forcing an answer, Cara stays in the present and shows she cares through timely questions and sometimes needed silence.

So often we try to show up for people just to find a solution to their problem, thus affirming ourselves. Our intentions may be good, but showing up as a problem solver can often come across as cold and uncaring.

Are you ok with simply showing up? Showing up and being. Showing up and listening. Showing up and asking. Showing up and caring.

Remember, questions show you care and can tear down barriers. Your presence alone shows you are there for them and not for you. Restore the art of question asking in your own relationships and interactions.